Yesterday was one, but today is new and sunny! That's not saying all the circumstances are now in order and there's no sadness, but a new perspective has rolled away some clouds. There's not much to say about negative emotions except that they are not welcome, but sometimes enevitable. Sometimes circumstances trigger them and sometimes they just seem to rise up like fog for no apparent reason. Thankfully as I've aged this involuntary moodiness has all but vanished. I don't know if that's one of the perks of maturity or the death of the hormone roller coaster of youth and mid-life. Perhaps it's both. However, I found myself in the land of woe yesterday having a real honest to goodness pity party. I hadn't been there in a long time and forgot how much I dislike it. The good part is that I didn't even give a thought to my old coping tool, the cigarettes. I turned instead to Facebook.
The morning started with the failure of my son's bus to pick him up for work. I called and they did come an hour and a half late. In the meantime I received a call telling me an aunt had died unexpectedly following surgery. Then I had to relay the sad news to Mom, who is in the nursing home and coping with the sale of her house and upcoming household auction. I also had to notify my sister who just this week had to spend a night in the hospital with chest pain due to a stress related heart condition. After all this I entered this needy place wanting someone to say, "So sorry, I'm here for you and it will be alright." The mood wasn't totally attributable to the events, but more due to my disfunctional reaction to them.
I went on facebook and posted a couple of items, one about mothers and another U-tube funny. Got no responses to either and that triggered more disgusting self-pity. Then I posted a real self-pity note on impulse. Hanging my petty attitude out in public there without explaining is really stupid! I would have deleted it but got a couple of responses right away and didn't want to add rudeness to my indiscretion. I do apologize to all my friends for my whining. I'm alone about 90% of the time, so I do like having some connection to people, even if only in cyber-space, but it isn't exactly the best place to go when in that self-pity mode. My real help should come through my spiritual source of strength, but sometimes I have to learn that over again the hard way. He does often use friends to lift us up if we ask and then seek support in the right ways.
Before I get deeper into my rambling, the point is, I am so glad to have a much more stable emotional grip on life than I did in my younger years. And I'm grateful for God and friends who don't judge me when I do get under a cloud. God is my consistent source of comfort when I have the sense to turn to Him. Aging is not a negative thing, but a growing evolutionary new level of living. I am enjoying it even with a few bumps in the road and the loss of some physical abilities. Discovery of new perks with maturity is great, and I just have to keep looking for them on the flip side of those bumps.
(((((( Roberta )))))) I love your heart, your openness and your ability to pen your thoughts and feelings.
ReplyDeleteI always see you as being so totally together; honestly? I feel closer to you and more bonded knowing you have the occasional (what did you call it..indiscretion?) now and then and can be human and okay with it.
You realize - you didn't have a pity party. From where I sit, you had a pretty normal reaction to a heap of life struggles hitting all at once, You reacted beautifully given what you were dealing with and recovered so darned quickly. You're amazing.
If you ever want to just chat, call me or email. I think you're pretty awesome. :-)