Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Another Page in Life

Wow, two days in a row, but something different occurred this morning. I've been writing about the role reversal that comes with an aging parent, but it's like I entered a new level of that in my unwilling mind this morning, and I've spent the last hour crying. Mom called and asked (for about the fourth time) if we have to meet with someone at the nursing home today. And for at least the fourth time I explained that we met with them last week, also that we met with the auctioneer yesterday and I'm coming to get her for her foot doctor appointment today . Her response has been the same, "Oh, I'm mixed up." (Even though she has a calendar with all appointments on it.)

Something that is more disturbing were her comments yesterday that she "just doesn't feel well", and feels like when she goes to sleep she'll just stop breathing. It isn't unusual for her to have numerous health complaints, but this one along with her increasing confusion just triggered the deepest grief this morning. I feel as if we've turned a corner, and Mom isn't Mom anymore as I've always known her. Of course she's aging and changing, and I must adjust as we go along that path, but this was more like an almost overpowering jolt as we turned over a new page in the process. The bottom line is, I just don't want to let go of my real Mom! Please don't go! To be truly unselfish, I should be thinking about it from her perspective and feeling her pain, but I can't even go there.

Well, the tears are over, and I'm taking deep breaths. Just writing this helps me get a grip and lose the self pity. I seem to have become the custodian of not only her photo albums with memories of many years, but also of her short term memory. There are some days that I feel I need help with my own organizational skills, but in some ways having these new responsibilities is forcing me to sharpen my brain. If anything is good about this, maybe that's it. With Mom and my son it's time to keep the old brains cells at attention and thinking for three. Maybe eat more fish? Well, at least just smile and move on. Life is better when we're needed.

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