What's Next?

Yesterday as I was driving to pick up Mom at the care center and take her to her beauty shop appointment, my usual begrudging attitude about having to do this made me ashamed. I made myself think along other lines. I love Mom and I'm certainly glad to still have her in my life even with her extra needs. But what about me? Back to selfish again. I'm sometimes tempted to sell all and move far away to some tropical utopia. (Isn't everyone?)

In looking back I have noticed a pattern in my life. (Wouldn't it be nice to have a life map and compass first?) About every decade, more or less, I have made a major change, some sort of thrilling like a beginner diving off a high board. The one that came to mind yesterday was the 1987 move. I had a respectable good paying job in 1986 and an almost paid off mortgage on my house, but it felt as if my head was bumping the ceiling. There was no way to expand my life in any direction. Plus I simply had an itch to move on, maybe menopausal madness?

So in 1986 I decided to sell my house and move to Tennessee, partly to be close to a guy with whom had a long distance relationship. I'd adopted my foster son who was now about 9 years old and much adored by my Mom and step-dad. We all lived in the same small town, and I knew they would be overwhelmingly opposed to my plan to move at least 2 states away. So one weekend when they were on an out of state trip, I listed my house with a realtor and accepted an immediate offer. Done deal - almost. This was in the fall, and it actually got a lot more complicated involving a rental house and finally a move to Tennessee in the spring of 1987. (Would have been so much more romantic just to hop on the interstate, drive off and live happily ever after...)

So anyway, I bought a house in TN, married my guy the following December, moved in with him, then moved back to my house in about March. So much for happily ever after - just couldn't make things work in the same house. Tried that again in 1989, but again it didn't work. So I bought a house in North Carolina, lived and worked there until 1997. I finalized a divorce, moved back to the town where my Mom still lived, and have been here since then.

I've often thought about how badly I messed up those years, but yesterday as I question the meaning behind all this, I realize that the trapped feeling I have now would be a thousand times worse if I had never had that adventure. If I had never moved away, I would have stayed with the same job without any advancement, the same house, the same neighborhood, etc. And I would likely have always pined for adventure growing more and more frustrated each year.

I guess the lesson is, even if life seems to be messed up, meaninless or wasted, there is always some good angle to it. Times of reflection often reveal gems of insight. Even when life seems stale and meaningless, I really need to appreciate and enjoy the now, because it does have meaning and value. If I can't quite see the broad picture clearly in this moment, I'll likely be able to see it later. I know I am where I'm supposed to be today, and my sense of purpose is recharged.

Wonder what it would be like to live in Hawaii?

Just Mulling (AKA wandering mind)

Just sitting here mulling over something. Hmm, mulling. Just what does that mean really? Mull, mulling, to mull, mulled. One of those words that sounds so silly taken out of context. I've heard of mulled wine. Is that when wine is deep in thought... or the wine drinker maybe? I have to go google that. Wait a minute, I'll be right back.




OK, I'm back. Thanks google...
mulling~
1. Think about (a fact, proposal, or request) deeply and at length: "she began to mull over the various possibilities".
2. Warm (a beverage, esp. wine, beer, or cider) and add spices and sweetening to it.

or...
Mull - "An island of western Scotland in the Inner Hebrides. It is separated from the mainland on the northeast by the Sound of Mull. ..."

Dang! Now I forgot what I was mulling. Oh ya, bread baking. I thought about it, but last time I baked bread, as I posted somewhere, I accidently brushed against the temp control on the oven and shoved it up to 500 degrees. End result - 2 logs of charcoal.

Then as my thoughts often do, they wandered off to mulling about charcoal. How is it that something that's burned beyond recognition can be used as fuel to grill food? Seriously, that's something really puzzling, don't you think? Well, anyway that's what I was mulling about. I really have to go now. This mulling is hard work! I think I'd like to go to the island of Mull someday. Wonder if the people there sit around thinking all day and if that's where that word came from? I think I'd like it there.

Calgary Bay Mull Isle






Maybe I should bake bread today. Na, let's not go there again!

Christmas Past

The sun is shining in the windows lighting up the whole house. I stood at the kitchen window marvelling at the green, if somewhat beaten down, grass and the 52 degrees on the outdoor thermometer. For cripes sake it's December 29th in Iowa! It's supposed to be about 0 to 32 degrees with at least partly gray skies, or at least sunshine sparkling on snow. Oh well, it's a good day to go to the bank and do some other errands. But then the post Christmas doldrums settle over me like a blanket and I slump back into my chair in front of the computer in spite of the sunshine.

With nothing urgent to do, my mind wanders as it has been doing more often lately. I like to think of it as relaxing and meditating, but suspect it has more to do with aging. With 68 years piled up behind me there are many thousands of memories to pass the time with. Many of them are much more pleasant than current events, so it seems to be a natural place to go, Christmas' past for example.

With only a few family members remaining within visiting distance, our belated Christmas celebration yesterday was pleasant and simple. This was in stark contrast to years ago with 17 first cousins on one side of the family and 14 on the other, Christmas at the grandparents' homes was noisy, exciting and fun, at least for the children. There was not a dull moment with up to 17 children impatiently waiting for the tables to be cleared and dishes done so the gifts could be opened. Just before opening them though, grandpa would bring in a bucket of water and grandma would light the candles on the tree (no electricity). Then we had to sing carols. With our patience at an end, we finally got to pass out and open the gifts. Names were drawn among the children and the adults separately. In those days the men's gifts were mostly ties or cartons of cigarettes. Wrapping paper and bows were at least knee deep everywhere when the gift opening frenzy was over. Adults were busy helping the little ones, everyone was pleasantly tired and ready to go home to wait for Santa. It was a magical time. Then the next day we'd do it all over with the other side of the family with 14 children.

Coming back to the present, I've thought maybe I should find some greater purpose or excitement in my life, or not? Some folks talk about making a bucket list. I've given that some thought from time to time, and come up with things I'd like to do like take up gymnastics, back pack all over Europe, start a successful career in the art field (after obtaining a master's degree in fine arts of course), all total nonsense even though I feel thirtyish. How did I ever come to live in this 68 year old body? OK, revised bucket list: Stay alive until at least tomorrow, clean out the craft room, clean the basement, clean the garage, save money for a new front door... ho hum... Well, to pep it up a little bit I decided to blog all this. Now that's done, so I'm off to do the banking and errands. Retired life is really simple and good even if I am too young for my body! I have lovely memories. (And choosing to unremember the not so lovely ones is a gift!).

Have a very Happy and Safe New Year everyone! And be sure to make some lovely memories along the way!

Forgiveness

Adverse circumstances and conflict in my life have taught me some very valuable lessons. Some are practical and make sense, and some are difficult to understand or explain because they are spiritual in nature. Probably the most important thing I've learned has been the power and value of forgiveness. Without it I was headed down a path of bitterness and self-destruction in early adulthood. I've written a brief explanation here. I could write much more, and probably will. I believe it's good to meditate and explore the positives of life, even if they started as negatives.

Forgiveness brings the greatest reward to the soul when:
1. It isn't requested.
2. It makes no sense at all.
3. It's humanly and emotionally impossible.
4. It's given just because.
5. It's a decision, not a feeling.

It brings:
1. Release.
2. New room in the soul for wonderful feelings.
3. Peace that really is like a river.
4. New order and control of emotions.
5. Joy and healing.

And it might even bring about reconciliation in time, but if not the rewards
are still immeasurable against the cost of holding on to the unforgiveness.

Forgetting the offense takes a little longer and will likely never be total. But the memories can only begin to fade into the background and lose importance with that first conscious decision to forgive.

I've been told and believe that forgiving also releases the offender to other
consequences of their behavior. We are not to be our own avengers or carry that load.

Bottom line, forgiveness opens the door for us to move on and grow as opposed to being stuck in a negative place. I've been forgiven for so much, so how can I fail to do the same. Then there is the item of self-forgiveness, but that's a topic for another day.

It Is Well With My Soul

My mind has been wandering again. It hasn't gotten so far away (yet) that I couldn't find it. Whew! It usually indicates that I've neglected to take spiritual, emotional and mental time out recently. Some of the paths it's been wandering are sad, some humorous and some just don't make much sense, such as worry. And then there are those ugly critical thoughts of others that don't serve any purpose at all. That's a good time to do a blog, not to spew out negative emotions, but just to deal with them and turn them back to positive ones. Blogging is a chance to take out my thoughts, review, edit (really EDIT), discipline and organize them. Then I end up with something like a clean slate and a positive outlook - sort of.

Sad thoughts and feelings are circumscribed by really giving them the attention they need instead of stuffing them away in denial. A few tears never hurt anyone, and we can afford a few moments to mourn. It's that prolonged crying on the inside that errodes our souls. Whimsy and humor may seem callous in the midst of grieving, but they are really healing and who doesn't need that? Worries and judgemental attitudes are a terrible drain, a useless waste of mental energy and an affront to faith. My soul is calmed by remembering my rock, the anchor for my spirit and the One who is there to keep me where I need to be on all levels.

To sum it up, blogging (along with prayer and meditation) leads me to deal with the egocentric aspects of my thoughts and emotions, so I can put them in a drawer in a healthy way, at least for today. Then all is well with my soul and I'm free to focus outwardly on others and life as it is - until the next time I need to clean my inner house.



Rest in peace Uncle Ed. I know you will be rewarded for your loving kindness. You will be missed.

Sentiments and Gratitude

Here comes another winter, which is definitely not my favorite season as I get older. But before that it has been a beautiful fall. November, as someone pointed out today, is a month of gratitude. Contemplating on things I am grateful for has led to memories of past Novembers. It's always been a big birthday month. Growing up with 17 first cousins on one side of the family and 14 on the other, there were always birthday parties. There were 4 in November, mine being one. Now my son and a neice have November birthdays too. Along with those happy memories come some sad ones. Two very special people died in November, my grandmother and my brother.

I'm so grateful to have had my brother in my life both in his early years and then again in the 1990's when I lived near him in North Carolina. I had just finished serving 4 years in the USAF Medical Corp in November 1969 when he entered the Air Force, later to serve in Viet Nam. Mom always associates the song, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" with his departure, and it brings back so many memories.

He returned safely and later married his beautiful wife Rita, settled in North Carolina and raised a son and daughter. His first baby granddaughter, Taylor, was just learning to walk when he passed away November 10, 2003 at the age of 53 due to diabetes and cancer from agent orange exposure in Viet Nam. Though the memories are both painful and bring tears, I'm grateful to have had those later years to get to know him better as an adult. And I'm so glad that he got to experience the joy of his first grandchild.

This is for you Steve ~

Yesterday's Wisdom for Today's World

I've always been amazed at the wisdom of Thomas Jefferson. Even though I haven't (and won't) turn this blog into a political outlet, I received the following email message that is just too good not to share here.






Thomas Jefferson was a very remarkable man who started learning very early in life and never stopped.

At 5, began studying under his cousin's tutor.
At 9, studied Latin, Greek and French.
At 14, studied classical literature and additional languages.
At 16, entered the College of William and Mary.
At 19, studied Law for 5 years starting under George Wythe.
At 23, started his own law practice.
At 25, was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses.
At 31, wrote the widely circulated "Summary View of the Rights of British America ” and retired from his law practice.
At 32, was a Delegate to the Second Continental Congress..
At 33, wrote the Declaration of Independence ..
At 33, took three years to revise Virginia 's legal code and wrote a Public Education bill and a statute for Religious Freedom.
At 36, was elected the second Governor of Virginia , succeeding Patrick Henry.
At 40, served in Congress for two years.
At 41, was the American minister to France , and negotiated commercial treaties with European nations along with Ben Franklin and John Adams.
At 46, served as the first Secretary of State under George Washington.
At 53, served as Vice President and was elected president of the American Philosophical Society.
At 55, drafted the Kentucky Resolutions, and became the active head of Republican Party.
At 57, was elected the third president of the United States .
At 60, obtained the Louisiana Purchase , doubling the nation's size.
At 61, was elected to a second term as President.
At 65, retired to Monticello .
At 80, helped President Monroe shape the Monroe Doctrine.
At 81, almost single-handedly created the University of Virginia , and served as its first president.
At 83, died on the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration of Independence, along with John Adams

Thomas Jefferson knew because he himself studied the previous failed attempts at government. He understood actual history, the nature of God, his laws and the nature of man. That happens to be way more than what most understand today. Jefferson really knew his stuff. A voice from the past to lead us in the future:

John F.. Kennedy held a dinner in the white House for a group of the brightest minds in the nation at that time. He made this statement: "This is perhaps the assembly of the most intelligence ever to gather at one time in the White House with the exception of when Thomas Jefferson dined alone."

The following are all quotations attributed to Thomas Jefferson, and certainly seem to be relevant to today's conditions:

"When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe ."

"The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not."

"It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world."

"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."

"My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government."

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms."

"The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

"The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants."

"To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical."

Thomas Jefferson said in 1802:

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies.

If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property - until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered."